On the Air
I want to be an "on the air" radio personality.
I want my own radio program.
I will call it the "Yard Yeti Show", starring me, your favorite Yard Yeti.
I will broadcast from a second floor minimalist suite located over the Ace Plumbing Company on the first floor, a loyal Main Street mainstay and cozy neighbor to the Coast-to-Coast store, the Ben Franklin Five and Dime, Ed's Pharmacy and the Flickering Flame restaurant with the neon flickering flame in the window.
I will sit at an oil cloth covered formica kitchen table, with my microphone, a few handy props, a sound effects machine, a CD player and a stack of CD"s propped up in a wooden CD crate. Perched on my shoulder will be my pet parakeet Pepper, a profanity prone yakker with a slight hacking cough soothed only by a teaspoon of whiskey. I will either have to use a three second delay or a bleeping device, just in case Pepper "peppers" the airwaves with expletives.
I, however, will speak in dulcet soothing tones, with a flat Midwestern accent and nooo distracting ssssibilant ssssssses.
The "Yard Yeti Show" will actually be the Noon Report. Noon, because the Noon Whistle will sound outside my window in the second floor suite, and all the town residents, all my listeners, will register the subliminal signal to turn on and tune in..to Me!
I will open the show with my trademark intro.
"Tick tock goes the clock...time won't stand still. But we can...let's catch up. It's Yard Yeti Time!"
My format will be simple, consistent from day to day so that my listeners will describe me as dependable and reliable, and slightly quirky, as I do have a boozy parakeet as my sound engineer.
I will start the show with the weather report.
Looking out the window I will announce...Sun. Rain. Sleet. Snow.
Followed by the traffic report.
Another glance out the window.
Three cars on Main Street.
Ample parking available.
Then comes the fun part. I will read from a 3X5 index card, the police blotter. Recent arrests. Speeding tickets. Open container violations. Small acts of vandalism. Domestic disturbances. So and so pulled over for a missing tail light. Mayor Yoo-Know-Hoo driving with expired tags. Mr. and Mrs. Councilpersons cited for disturbing the peace with their yelling, turned in by their helpful and caring neighbors, Mr. and Mrs. We-Have-Nothing-Else-To-Do-Except-Watch-Our-Neighbors-Through-Our-Window-Because-We-Are-Too-Cheap-To-Pay-For-Cable.
I will be be an equal opportunity tattler.
Next up, the hospital report. Incoming and outgoing. From simple procedures like a few stitches to larger issues such as an overdose of Viagra. I will provide just the vital signs. No judgment or opining.
I will report and my listeners will eavesdrop.
As I am the Yard Yeti, I will pause for a commercial break from a local seed company. I am in the garden business and feel it is my duty to encourage good crop cultivation and environmental awareness. Every year I will sponsor the "Who Grew the Biggest" contest. Participants will be encouraged to tie their zucchinis, cucumbers or ears of corn to their mailboxes. A select panel of judges, that would be me, will drive by to google the vegetables, and announce the winner on the air. The winner will receive a coupon for a free Maid-Right sandwich.
That's a Sloppy Joe for you city folks.
Next, I will play a selection of tunes sent in by local musicians. An autoharp solo by Mary Alice, a show tune from Edna Ruth, and a track from an aspiring garage band called "Whatchudoin?" I feel it is important to bridge the gap between my younger and older listeners. Expand the demographic, so to speak. Broaden the base. Appeal to a larger audience. Good marketing strategy. Besides, Pepper has a "thing" for heavy metal.
But what is a radio show without a special "Guest"?
Each program will be dedicated to introducing the newest member of the Yard Yeti's. For example, the buzz is still buzzing from last week's guest, Gladys Gerbera, Yard Yeti extraordinaire. A quick and talkative wit, show stealing showoff, Gladys took to the airwaves. That giddy, glib, gaudy and gregarious gadabout Gladys, a fan favorite, until the unfortunate little incident with Pepper, and then...
Gladys Gerbera lost her cool...to a hot flash!
And now another show comes to a close. Taking my hand off the bleep button, I lean into the microphone whispering conspiratorially...my trademark...my Yard Yeti Sign Off...
...Your secrets are safe with me,
except for the ones I posted on the Internet....
See you next week, when my guest will be Nellie Nasternium.
You can find me on your dial at GVWM (Garden Variety Wisdom Media Inc.) with the Yellow Wellies Logo...
...and the Threepots on the windowsill...