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Thursday, July 19, 2012

On A Scale Of One To Ten










Or at least that's my philosophical explanation for the fact that the scale at the gym registers 10 pounds MORE than my scale at home.

Plus, the additional factors that affect one's weight, regarding the gravitational pull on the human body which causes significant weight fluctuations depending on whether you are at home or at the doctor's office.

Fact: All the mercury in the thermometers they use coalesces around one's ankles. Mercury is a heavy metal. Like lead.

Or in Bed, Bath and Beyond, at the end of the aisle with five scales lined up and your shoes off and purse beside your bare feet.

Fact: You must look DOWN to keep an eye on your personal belongings, so the simple downward pressure of your bent neck causes you to seek your center of gravity and increased gravity increases the barometric pressure on the scale.

If you are using a scale in the back of the pharmacy, that costs a quarter, gravity does not enter into the weight equation as these machines are rigged.

Fact: It is no secret that these scales are tied to product placement, as a quick eye roll over your left shoulder should bring your gaze to rows of diet pills, powders and gels.

I prefer to use the most accurate weighing formula ever invented and certified by Scientific Americans and discussed in widely read medical journals across the country. Body Mass Index? Phooey. Just follow these simple rules and you will ALWAYS get an accurate read to the milligram.

One. Adjust your scale so that the needle is slightly to the right of the "0" position. Chances are good that your scale was mass produced and "settled" during shipment. You are doing nothing illegal, merely "resetting" to the original starting position.  I advise about 5.345 notches to the right.

Two. Keep your scale on the floor within twenty feet of your bed and bath. More on this later.

Three. Be sure to empty your bladder immediately upon rising. Do this very quickly.

Four: If possible, remove all of your clothing as you rush into the bathroom. If you are following strict weight measurement protocol, you will have removed all jewelry, dentures. hair extensions, fake fingernails, and have clipped your toenails, the night before.

Five: Step onto the scale with one foot while leaning the rest of your body against the wall. Glance at the scale. If you are within ten pounds of your "normal" weight, you may now pump your fist in the air and go about your business.

Six: IF, once you place both feet on the scale, while leaning slightly against the wall to maintain your center of gravity, and your weight is MORE than ten pounds over your NORMAL suggested weight, which is approximately 25 to 50 pounds heavier than you thought because you have not figured in your age and bone width and thigh DNA, do NOT PANIC. Move to Step 7 immediately.

Seven: Your scale needs RECALIBRATION. Occasionally solar flares occur during the night causing the tides to rise and the pull of the moon to create a gravitational shift, and there is nothing to fear.

Eight: Put your clothes back on. Breathe in. Breathe out. Oh...I forgot...about the holding your breath anatomical amendment...NEVER EVER EVER hold your breath while on the scale as the human body is like a balloon and absorbs almost ten pounds of oxygen with each held breath and oxygen is a heavy gas. Always, always exhale before weighing. Why do you think all the women in your Yoga class look so slim...they are ALWAYS exhaling.

Speaking of comes a big sigh..

Another grave topic...seismic shifts...otherwise known as sagging.

When body parts that used to be

up here








I am not the first woman to notice this phenomenon. There is now an entire industry devoted to cinching in, pushing up, pulling in and smoothing out. Spankss. Bearly There Traps. Miracle Surgical Suits. Shape Wear.

Underwear or Under Where?

That's how I feel when I seek out my body parts that go missing. I find them and say to myself, "Oh there you are UNDER THERE!"

Women. Tell the truth. You know that day. The day you found the courage to stand acapella in front of a full length mirror and wondered with a sigh, "Where did I go?"

I suppose I could ask a VERY dear friend to shrink wrap me in rolls of Saran Wrap from head to foot before slipping on that little black dress. Or I COULD invest a fortune in heavy duty Shape Ware. Do they have parties for this stuff, you know like Tupper Ware, but without the how-to-make-it-burp lesson?

I must be missing something here. Back in the day, shape wear came in a one size fits all form called a GIRDLE. It was not yummy for your tummy. A girdle was made of industrial strength latex and you had to lie down to wriggle into it. It came with pointy bra cups that stood at attention like a military salute so that your bust rested directly beneath your chin. Women spoke in soft breathy whispers, because they couldn't inhale. Oh, and as an added bonus, the girdle came with attached metal garters. Garters that left imprints on your thighs for two to three weeks AFTER your took off your HOSE.

Ah. Hose. Hosiery. Panty Hose. SUPPORT HOSE.

Okay, now wait a darn minute. I was THERE the day women rebelled and yelled together "NO MORE GIRDLES". Love your bodies. Love yourself. It was fashionable to "let it all hang out". We did. It was not pretty, in those early years, but then we all got used to each other being "ourselves".
Then, just about the time my own seismic shift arrived, the final penny dropped. No More Hose.  Bare leggedness was IN. There I stood, with my once lithe legs covered in what I like to call "freckles" but are actually AGE SPOTS. Kind of like the rings around a tree. If you take a magic marker and connect all the spots, you could calculate my age almost the same way.

I couldn't do it. Bare it all in public. I wore pants. and socks. It wasn't pretty. So I started the transition. Long skirts with just a touch of ankle showing and no socks. I have good ankles. Then a midi skirt. But only at night. In soft flattering light, like the one in my closet. And finally, true liberation.

I wore shorts.

In public.

At the grocery store.

No one fainted. No one laughed. No one pointed and stared.

I acted my age and it was okay. 

Reminds me of a day at the pool with my mom long ago. There were no changing rooms available, and I was at that awkward age and made my mother wrap her towel around me so that NO ONE COULD SEE. She had enough of my caterwauling and threw down the towel...smiled at me...and know dear...the only one paying attention to you is YOU! Good advice from a woman with metal garter imprints on her thighs.

So, if you are out there in the world, in search of your true self...

Defy gravity...

Lighten up.

Shape up.

Wrap it up in a smile.


Because life's too short and it's a scientific fact...

Smiling weighs ten pounds less than frowning. 

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