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Thursday, July 12, 2012

The Yard Yeti Radio Show

You People are Mad!

A podcast?

A series on You Tube?

A Twitter Tweet Off?

Well all righty then...

Grab your yellow wellies...

And pull up your adirondack chair...

Live! From the studios of GVW Media Productions...It's the Yard Yeti Radio Show. (cue the Noon whistle!)

"Tick Tock goes the clock...time won't stand still.

But we can...let's catch up." (My signature opening line.)

It's Yard Yeti Time!!

It's me, your favorite Yard Yeti, clad in my yellow wellies with my pet parakeet Pepper perched on my shoulder. He is wearing a sun bonnet today as the temperatures have been sweltering. I think he is suffering from a touch of sunstroke, as his cough does not seem to be responding to his normal teaspoon of Jack Daniels, so he is now sipping from a salt-rimmed frozen Margarita. Uh-oh. Brain freeze. (Hold on a sec while I do a little avian resuscitation.) Ah, there we are.
A little woozy and boozy, but then aren't we all now and then.

And now on to the weather report. Blazing. Blistering. Brutally broiling. Scorching. Searing. Sweltering. Sweaty. Torrid. Feverishly, sweating and panting, very warm and close and...(cue sound effect of me clearing my throat and taking a sip of Pepper's Margarita.) Got a bit off topic there. Tsk. Tsk. My bad. Let's just say that all of these triple digit temperatures and rainless days and nights are tough on a Yeti dressed in ankle to knee solid rubber yellow boots, slathered in SPF936, sun hat on head, whispering sweet nothings to a wilted group of greenery. Hot! The weather is HOT! And as we are an environmentally friendly radio studio, the only Air Conditioning is an open window and Pepper's breath on my neck.

The traffic report. A look out the window. Sweaty road crews. We have had sweaty road crews spreading tar for the past three weeks. Let me revise that. The first week they smashed up the curbs with jackhammers and left all the pieces in a pile. That is, ONE man, in a bobcat, ran the jackhammer and three hundred OTHER men stood around watching him and hoping for a turn. The next week, they came back and put some black stone stuff (note to self:look up technical name for black stone stuff) in piles. The next week, they put up about three thousand orange cones in some sort of a landing pattern for alien spaceships. Let me simply say here, that if the Yard Yetis had secured the contract for this project, it would have been finished on the first day. Yard Yetis are known for their singular focus, organizational and time management skills, manual dexterity, and ability to multi-task with very few hours of sleep. In other words, Yard Yetis are WOMEN.

Before I take a commercial break,

let me tell you a little bit about the Yard Yetis.

The Yard Yetis, known only by the footprints left behind from their bright yellow wellies. The women of the garden, dignified in their high top boots, gloved hands and flouncy garb. The garden warriors able to wrestle weeds with one hand and nurture tiny seedlings with the other. Women fiercely dedicated to protecting their turf. Slathered in sunscreen, slightly potty, surprisingly certain, and certainly certifiable. Women with tools. Fearless in the face of fevered foliage and frenzied ferns, waging war with vermin, drought and pestilence.

Yard Yetis are rarely spotted in the wild due to their cleverness with camouflage and the serious secretiveness of their tightly knit society. Yetis come in every color, shape and size. There is an age restriction as Yard Yetis are seasoned seasonal workers. Ripe. We prefer the phrase "ripened with age" to the word "older". In fact, considering the emotional RAGE...I mean RANGE...of most Yard Yetis...using the word "older"makes us a teensie bit you might end up with a little poison ivy bouquet in your shorts, but that only happened once and we were all terribly ashamed.

Actually, I referred to this incident on my last show, when I hinted at Gladys Gerbera's unfortunate tussle with Pepper, my parakeet. All I can say is that Gladys does have some difficulty controlling her hot flashes and Pepper has been warned repeatedly about letting his gardening shorts sag in the back. Pepper has started wearing tight black biker pants, matching helmet, and with the exception of a few parakeet profanities, seems to be on the mend.

Now! A commercial break from one of our sponsors, Allen's Seed and Feed Company. I am proud to announce the winner of the "Who Grew the Biggest" contest. Beulah Anne Harvey exhibited her sixteen inch cucumber out by mile marker 72, and received the most votes plus a few rather rude anonymous crank calls and a visit from a drive-by flasher who yelled as he careened down the gravel shoulder, "Try to top this!" Beulah and her husband Wolfie celebrated her win at Milly's Maid Rite on Route 43. Thanks to all who participated and here's to another bumper crop next year.

I made a compilation tape of all my favorite Broadway show tunes to share with you during our musical segment, but my eight track wouldn't fit in the floppy disc drive of my studio computer, so sing amongst yourselves. I am advertising for a new IT and Marketing intern, so if you are current with all the latest in technology and branding strategies be sure to contact me here at the studio on my landline. 1-800-IAMNOTOLD.

At last, the reason you all tune in, my special guest.

Yard Yeti Extraordinaire, that wanton. wicked, wild, wily, witty and weird...Wanda Wisteria.

A little Wanda Wisteria Hysteria if you please!

Wanda is known to wave her arms around when she speaks. Her face is always red and flushed. Her sentences end in exclamation points and she is known to create havoc and chaos wherever she goes. She is loud and extremely opinionated, but the very person I would want with me when tangled in the underbrush with no path out. A human threshing machine. Wanda can find a way out of any bad situation. She doesn't give up easily. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen her give up on anything or anyone. Ever. The sign of a true Yard Yeti. I would love to visit longer with Wanda, but she left via the window and I think I heard her scream "bobcat" on the way down.

Another Yard Yeti Radio Show comes to a close. I love being with you. Truly I do. If YOU want to be a Yard Yeti, just scroll down and find my email and send me a Yard Yeti hello....

As I sign off...

I am leaning into the microphone whispering conspiratorially Yard Yeti trademarked and fully copyrighted Sign Off...

"Your secrets are safe with me, 

except for the ones I posted on the internet."

See you next time, when my guest will be Fifi Forget-Me-Not.

You can find me on your dial at Station  GVWM...Garden Variety Wisdom Media Inc. with the Yellow Wellies Logo...and the Threepots on the windowsill.

Say "good-bye"" Pepper.

Sorry. Pepper is indisposed.

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