Make Labor Day A Labour Of Love
Coming
To
Terms
With
The
Coming
Of
Age...
Late August in the garden.
The end of a long hot summer. Watering thirsty plants with their
withered leaves and wilted stems. Trees dropping leaves, little golden
flutters landing at my feet. It is as if everything around me is pausing
to take a breath. A moment to reflect. To sit in my adirondack chair,
put my feet up and hear the school bus on the corner, picking up
precious cargo carrying new backpacks and unopened boxes of crayons.
One season ends and a new season peeks around the corner.
Still. Here in my yard, it is still.
The long Labor Day weekend looms large. Summer lingers in wisps of
skittish clouds scattered across the sky. But nightfall has begun to
creep in sooner with each day, and I know that there is work yet to be
done. There is a touch of sadness in the air, of spent blossoms and the
lock on the neighborhood pool clanking shut.
Another season comes to a close.
For each of us, a seasonal change serves as a reminder that some of our dreams may never come
true. That some dreams will forever be out of reach, truly impossible
to achieve and piling up like little golden wishes around our feet.
Throughout my life, from a very early age, I had a dream, a wish, a
hope, to stand on a stage in a large theater in front of an even larger
audience and to sing my heart out. To have the kind of voice that
catches people off guard, silences the whispers and calms shuffling
feet. I wanted to garner complete and utter attention.
I wanted to sing from a place inside me where the music rose
gradually, filling me completely, until there was nothing I could do
except to sing purely to the final note. I rehearsed in my head. I
practiced in those tender moments between eyes closed and sleep.
Three songs.
My repertoire, one of three songs.
The Impossible Dream
You'll Never Walk Alone
and
If I Loved You...from the movie Carousel
On this particular day in August, just shy of Labor
Day, I sit here, feet up, sun on my face, and know in my heart that this
dream, this lovely little dream to take the stage as a solo artist,
will never be mine.
But as I think on it,
my own personal history rises up to find fault with my assumptions.
I have.
I have sung.
On many stages, and throughout the many stages of my life.
With my high school choir and hundreds of other choirs at Soldier's Field in Chicago on a brilliant sky blue morning.
Thousands of voices lifted up together as one.
With my newly wed husband, early days, he
on the guitar and I cross legged on the floor,
harmonizing to songs from
the Beatles White Album, Pure Prairie League and Crosby, Stills, Nash
and Young.
With my two little boys, tucked in twin beds, singing lullabies.
With my students, sotto voce,
hands singing in the air in American Sign Language.
With my son's second grade class, singing and signing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", for the back-to-school Talent Show.
With my family and friends, on Christmas Eve, accompanied by guitars, oboes and pizzacato violins.
And best of all, in my car,
with the radio on,
and my windows rolled up.
I am there.
On the stage.
And if this is as good as it gets, it just might be enough.
Remember.
You can be.
That voice in the wilderness.
No dream is impossible.
Just pull someone close.
Lullabies
If you sing your babies to sleep,
in the future,
they will send you those songs via email
when they are too mad to talk to you,
too proud to apologize,
or best of all,
A Yard Yeti Radio Show Son Salute
A
Special
Limited Edition
Of
The
Yard
Yeti
Radio
Show...
Live and On a Secret Assignment In a Galaxy Far Far Away...
It's
The
Yard
Yeti
Radio
Show!!!
(cue the Wookies and Wake the Ewok Villagers)
"Tick tock goes the clock...time won't
stand still. But we can...let's catch up. (my signature opening and very
quotable opening line)
It's Yard Yeti Time!!
It's me, your favorite Yard Yeti,
broadcasting from the bridge of the Starship Enterprise. Ha! Had you all
fooled. Thought I was about to introduce Han Solo and Princess
Leia...even Pepper, my pet parakeet and constant co-host, was fooled. He
had on his Darth Vader mask and a long black robe. Uh-oh. He tried to
make a leap into hyperspace and landed on his laser. What? What's that
you said Pepper? I don't know the power of the dark side? Whose dark side? Ouch!
(Excuse me while I teach this little fellow a lesson in manners.)
Yes, Pepper, the force IS strong with this Yard Yeti,
and don't you forget it.
My apologies to all.
Today's Traffic Report.
All the lights are green and all indicators are set to GO for our walk down Memory Lane, just one block over from Main Street.
Today's Weather Report.
The sun is shining, the skies are clear, and all is right with the world.
Today's Hospital Report.
No bumps. No bruises.
The Historical Hospital Report.
...dated this month of August...
...Star Date...awhile back in Romulen Years...
The birthday of our guest...Vance Voltron...otherwise known as the Defender of the Universe.
Vance...any Defender of the Universe is always welcome in the Land of the Yard Yetis, the Defenders of the Garden.
In your honor Vance, on this your
birthday, we have traveled far and wide to fill your visit with surprise
and wonder. Therefore we are broadcasting from the bridge of the
Starship Enterprise.
Captain Picard is here with a card from
the Federation. Pepper, like the Captain, clad in his Star Trek uniform,
is leaning down to speak into his communicator badge. Pepper, since
when do you have Ears...Large Pointy Ears???
(BLEEP...TMI...oh...excuse me...you said Spock...Dr. Spock...I
know him, I read all of his books years ago, when I was studying to be a
Mom. I just don't recall him having such big ears, but he sure had an
answer for just about anything. Sometimes I even thought he could read
my mind...Maybe they were related.)
We have cake. We have candles. We have balloons.
We have the guest of honor.
We have gifts.
Memorable gifts.
Lovingly carried up from the vault in the basement.
Mr. Happy Apple. Thundercats. Hot Wheels.
Construx. Star Wars figures. The X-Wing Fighter. Nerf toys and soccer
balls. Michael Jordan high tops. Football jerseys. Baseball trophies and
Scout badges. Legos. Thousands and thousands of Legos, in a box,
waiting for the master builder's return. Lovable huggable ol' Grover.
The Star Ship Enterprise.
All gift wrapped and waiting right where you left them.
Back when you were just a kid.
Back when I was just a Mom.
Everything is always waiting for you, my son, on Memory Lane.
Where the sun is always shining,
and the song "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" is playing.
As I sign off...leaning into the
microphone...with just a hint of a tear in my eye...a smile in my
heart...and Pepper sneaking into the teleporter with the
Captain...remember...
"Your secrets are safe with me,
except for the ones I posted on the Internet!
You can find me on your dial at Station
GVWM (Garden Variety Wisdom Media Inc.) with the yellow wellies logo and
the Threepots on the Windowsill.
Or like the Captain...lean down and whisper into your communicator badge... Engage!!!
In the meantime, my gift to you...
Son...
The Day You Were Born
I smiled inside
And said to myself
This is the best moment of my life
The day you first said my name
I knew no sound
Would ever be so sweet
The day you went to school
I cried when I said I wouldn't
The day you backed down the driveway
I got my first taste of you leaving home
Now you have to bow your head
To kiss mine
And it is my turn to look up
To see you
And to think once more
The Yard Yeti Radio Show Storytelling Hour
An
Old
And
Not
So
Old
Wives
Tale
...As told by Yard Yeti Emeritus Eunice Everlasting...
...to a small gathering of wanna be Yard Yetis...
...now only ordinary...
....but soon to be extraordinary...
The Tale
...Daydreaming again. Her favorite. The vanishing
into thin air fantasy. Here today. Gone tomorrow. A real life
disappearing act. Eunice glanced down at her slicing hand, not the one
gripping the cucumber. For a moment she thought she'd done it herself,
sliced her right pinkie finger clean off. She dropped the knife and
reached for the paper towels, for surely, there would be blood. Lots of
it. Plus, there was a finger to locate. The reality of what she was
staring at slowly sank in. No blood. No throbbing pain. Just no pinkie
finger. Anywhere.
Eunice raised her hand up to the light streaming
through the kitchen window. Thumb. Yes. Pointer. Uh huh. Index finger.
Secure. Ring finger. Still ringed. Pinkie finger. Gone.
She waggled her four fingers, slid her reading
glasses back up from where they had slipped down on her nose. As a final
confirmation, an exclamation that felt like a scream, she raised her
other hand and pressed her palms together. This is the church. This is the steeple. Open the doors and see all the people. Normally there were ten people in the pews. Today, however, only nine.
My. Goodness. Gone.
No. Misplaced, she thought. A careless error of a
forgetful mind. Left somewhere waiting to be found. Why just hours ago
she'd left her checkbook at the end of the check out counter. The boy,
bagging her groceries muttered under his breath, "Ever heard of a debit
card?" Eunice blushed and rushed her signature. She shook her head and
smiled in apology for taking up so much of his time. In her rush to
leave, left her checkbook behind. Maybe her pinkie finger was just
sitting there near the pile of plastic bags. Eunice felt just a touch
lighter, as though a piece of her went missing, right after she heard
the boy follow up with "Maybe we need a special line for the elderly".
Well, no mind. If Eunice made a fuss, she'd probably
be accused of talking to herself. Perhaps tonight at dinner, Harold
would notice. She set the cucumber salad down. Just the way he liked it,
cucumbers and Vidalia onions sliced paper thin with a touch of vinegar
and a sprinkle of sugar.
The two ate in silence until Eunice decided to move
things along. She would tell him the story, with flashing eyes and hands
waving in the air, as he considered her to be a bit dramatic. A touch
overly emotional. Easily ruffled. Usually riled.
Losing a pinkie finger, well that was definitely
deserving of a few dramatic gestures. Eunice started her story, was just
about to get to the good stuff, when Harold rolled his eyes. Her cue to
stop. So she did. She folded up her nine fingers and sat quietly staring at her plate. All that was left to do was chew.
When it came time for bed, Eunice pulled the
washcloth slowly over her face, patting at the puffiness under her eyes.
Patting, not pulling, the magazine suggested. She patted her left eye,
then stroked the cloth over her left eyelid. Something was not right.
Her eyebrow. Her right eyebrow was gone. Every single hair.
Ingrown and out. The very same eyebrow she arched so dramatically at the
dinner table, right before he rolled his eyes. Her eyebrow must have
rolled up like a window shade and disappeared into her scalp.
Eunice held her four fingered hand at brow level.
First a missing appendage. Now an off kilter visage. She grabbed the
sink to keep from wobbling. Miraculously, she teeter-tottered her way to
their bed. She laid her head on the pillow and rested her hands on her
stomach. She waited until she heard the snoring symphony erupt beside
her. Once Harold fell into his normal sonorous rhythm, Eunice began an
informal sweep of the premises. From head to toe, her eyes squeezed
tight to help heighten her senses. Eyebrow. Pinkie. Gone. The rest
undisturbed.
Her rest was not. Undisturbed. Eunice lay so
still, afraid of slumber. Under the cover of night, a body part might
slip out from under the covers and escape.
The shrill ring of the bedside phone startled her.
She almost knocked over the alarm clock as she fumbled with her four
fingered hand for the receiver. She breathed heavily and somewhat warily
into the phone.
Yes?
It was her son Ewald. Eunice straightened up in bed
and launched immediately into "Oh hello dear, you'll never guess what
happened to me today..."as she heard him clear his throat and gruffly
ask, "Is Dad there?" She nudged the snoring lump beside her and handed
over the phone. Suddenly very weary after a particularly wearisome day,
Eunice fell back on her pillow and slept.
In the shower the next morning, her eyes stinging
with soap, she fumbled for the faucet. She felt the spray sluicing over
her face and dripping off her chin. The water was hot. Too hot. Eunice
thought the word "Oh". When it didn't exit her mouth, she thought "Oh
No". A drop of water dripped onto her chin missing her mouth entirely.
For truly, it was her mouth that was entirely missing. As she stepped
out of the shower, Eunice caught a glimpse of her reflection in the
mirror. No eyebrow. No pinkie. No mouth.
Makeup, she resolved. I need makeup. I need to
redefine the boundaries. A slash of bright red lipstick, a dark sable
arching eyebrow. Dressed in five, tucked behind the wheel of her car,
Eunice headed to the grocery store, setting her sights on the beauty
aisle. However, halfway there, a car packed with teenagers passed her,
giving her the finger she wished she still had. Eunice was so angry, she
lost her head.
She put the car in park, left it by the curb and
trudged the remaining few blocks to the grocery store. Eunice was
furious now, fed up to what would have been her solitary eyebrow. She
was returning to the scene of the crime and planned to give the check
out boy a piece of her mind. Wherever that was.
She only needed a paisley scarf to toss jauntily over
her shoulders to distract attention. This time she was armed for
battle. Eunice had cash in her pocket.
As she strode confidently into the 10 items or less
line, a woman with a loud face and an even louder voice shoved past her
and slammed her basket on the conveyor belt. Eunice would have raised an
eyebrow if she had one. She would have thrown back her head in disgust
is she knew where it was. Instead, all Eunice remembered as her body
melted to the floor, was the man behind her yelling "Woman, have you no spine?"
Eunice dissolved into a neat and tidy puddle of sinew
and skin on top of her sensible shoes. The man stepped over the puddle
and claimed her space as his own.
One Moment.
For one cataclysmic moment, it seemed all was lost.
Literally and figuratively. Then, in that moment of wizened whimsy,
Eunice realized she had become her own favorite fantasy. Not a leg to
stand on. Neither head nor hair. No show of hands.
Invisible.
Eunice felt her spirit rise and float through spaces
and places she'd never seen before. No excuses. No pardon me. No waiting
and tapping her foot. She would never again have to be "just a minute"
or "we'll be with you shortly".
She felt light. Not a care in the world,
When the wind picked her up, Eunice let herself, her true and very visible self, get carried away.
She alit in the midst of a vast and magnificent
garden. Bountiful blooming buds, soaring trees, abundant foliage. She
stood, equally magnificent in garden gloves, yellow wellies and upon her
head, a preposterous pompadour of Everlasting curls framing her face.
Intact. Eunice was not only physically intact, but so overcome with the
joy of hearing her own voice, she puckered her lips and whispered that once elusive "O".
That tiny little "O" drifted far and wide, to be
heard only by other women, Yard Yetis to be, standing on the rim of the
canyon between Here and There.
Eunice Everlasting, hysterical headdress
framing her tiny "o" shaped mouth, folded her ten fingers into her lap
and solemnly nodded at the faces surrounding her in rapt attention.
"Here", she whispered, "Here in the garden
is where I go to remind myself that there is in the earth, hope. Wear
your floral coiffure with flair. Believe the "o" in wonder. Strut
proudly in your yellow wellies.
For here, in the garden, live the Yard Yeti Women,
Seasoned and reasoned and ready to grow.
Eunice lifted her pinkie, raised an eyebrow, nodded
her head, straightened her spine...and giggled...rising into the night
sky like a fiery ball of light. Visible to all the women below.
...The once ordinary...
...now extraordinary...
...Yard Yetis of Lore...
A Serious Case Of Goosebumps
A
Funny
Thing
Happened
On
The
Way
To
My
Blog...
I sat down to write. Knew exactly what I needed to say. Put the words
down on the page. A simple message this week. A simple expression of
exasperation born of endless weeks of searing heat and months of
drought. I thought, perhaps, if I said what so many of you are thinking,
just like me, maybe, maybe, maybe with all our wishing might, with all
our fervent hope we...could...do ...a rain dance together.
So I wrote:
I miss the rain.
I miss the raindrops splashing outside my window.
I miss shaking the damp off my umbrella.
I miss brushing up against the bushes in the yard, when they drip drop a tiny shower on my sleeve.
I miss puddles.
I miss the mist on my face.
I miss the mud on the bottom of my boots.
I miss using words like wet and soaked and drenched, and the sound of swish swish swish my windshield wipers make.
I miss the way the leaves turn their faces skyward in anticipation of an approaching storm.
I miss the smell of wet grass and the air washed clean of soot.
I miss the rinsing cleansing generosity of falling rain.
I hold up my empty glass.
Thirsting for a drink.
I close my eyes really really tight and offer up a humble request.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Make it rain.
For all the folks down here baking in the heat and the sun.
For all the people in need of a ride in the wash cycle.
For all the critters roaming dried up creek beds.
For all the trees shrugging off leaves like an overcoat.
For all the blooms that have lost their blush.
For all those who garden, reap and sow.
Please.
Please.
Please.
Make it rain.
This is where the goose bumps come in.
I put a period after the word rain.
A clap of thunder.
A bolt of lightning.
My computer screen went black.
Honest.
Outside the wind howled and the sky opened up.
Rain.
Rain.
Rain.
The temperature dropped twenty degrees.
Branches swayed,
There were puddles.
Foot-stomping-through puddles.
Ten minutes.
Over in ten minutes.
The final meteorological measurement.
Less than a quarter of an inch.
Of rain.
ME?
I was wearing goose bumps twice that size.
Sheesh.
Holy cow.
Really?
No way.
It can't be that easy can it?
To make a wish and have it come true?
To ask for a favor and then to receive?
Maybe it was one of those...
In the right place at the right time scenarios.
I thought about scrapping the blog all together, until this sneaky little thought crossed my mind.
Good intentions.
I had truly good intentions.
So I'm going out on a limb here...
For all of you that missed out, or need a bit more than a thimbleful of relief...
I realize I am being greedy, but I mean it in a truly selfless
way...maybe, just maybe, if we all...play the old game of
telephone...whisper from one to another...the same words...
Please
Please
Please
Make it rain...
We might just give each other goose bumps.
For you doubters out there...you don't have to believe...but keep a bucket handy...
The Yard Yeti Radio Show Summer Olympics Edition
The
Yard
Yeti
Show
Broadcasting
Live!
From
The
Simmering
Summer
Olympics...
Yes, it's me. Your favorite Yard Yeti broadcasting
live from the Summer Olympic Games. Today, in honor of the festivities, I
will be substituting the Noon Whistle sound effects with the peals of
Big Ben ringing out over the airwaves. A personal thank you to Big Ben
Franklin, our proud sponsor, for the loan of their Big Ben alarm clock, a
$3.95 value on special today,
Aisle 3, lower shelf.
"Tick Tock goes the clock...time won't stand still.
But we can...let's catch up." (My trademarked and truly original
opening line.)
It's Yard Yeti Time!
...Sitting here in my front row seat at the 40th
Main Street Olympics, clad in my yellow wellies, my American Made
Designer Overalls, my incredibly chic argyle leg warmers, matching terry
cloth sweatband and wrist guards. I would like to thank another
sponsor, the Main Street Women's Guild, for using their sewing circle
time (SCT) to create an exact replica of my Olympic garb for my trusted
pet parakeet, Pepper. I cannot believe how you all managed to make those
stretchy anklet socks that look just like my yellow wellies. Pepper
would thank you, but he keeps sliding off his perch and is less than
appropriate when he tries to stick the landing and fails.
(Looks like I will be using the MUTE button instead
of the three second delay as Pepper's Tasteless Tweets are trending on
Twitter.)
And now the local weather update. Hot and dry. Dry and hot. Heat Lightning and Hot Flashes. Arid.
Parched. Thirsty.
In desperate need of a cool drop of...
Pepper just said...no water for me...I prefer mine NEAT.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have little or no control
here, so excuse me while I tickle the little guy's tonsils with tequila
and then maybe we can get on with the show.
The police blotter is particularly full this week
as Main Street was shut down in both directions while the grandstands
and the bleachers were erected. As our only policeman, Gilbert Dewey,
has no patrol car, he was hospitalized mid week for heat exhaustion and a
nasty thigh rash after chasing down speeders on foot.
An update on his condition will be upcoming in the hospital report.
Cue the ambulance sirens. Woo. Woo. Woo.
Officer Gilbert Dewey was released this morning and
has returned to active duty as the Chief of Security for all Olympic
Events. Thanks to the Thursday afternoon Card Club members for needle
pointing the official SECURITY insignia on the brim of his bright yellow
mesh ball cap.
Unfortunately, the metallic thread set off the metal
detector at the Flickering Flame Restaurant and a mild panic ensued,
until everyone was assured that the Flame had not gone OUT. Just
flickered.
The OFFICIAL FLAME OF THE OLYMPIC GAME is FINE.
It took three extension cords and some duct tape, but the light shines on.
Well, a little off and a little on,
but that's what flickering means, for heaven's sake.
Mayor Yoo-Hoo, dressed in white belt, white shoes
and burgundy polyester slacks is our Master of Ceremonies and the
infamous Mr. and Mrs.
We-Have-Nothing-Else-To-Do-Except-Watch-Our-Neighbors-Through-Our-Window-Because-We-Are-Too-Cheap-To-Pay-For-Cable
will be the official Olympic judges as they are, well they are the MOST
judgmental folks we know and jumped at the chance to rate their
neighbors imperfections on a scale from one to ten. Perfect.
Our competitors hail from all four corners of the
world. We secured these Olympic Games as we are the Heartland of the
America. Main Street USA. Where doing our personal best everyday is our
motto.
Actually, our motto is more succinct.
"Don't just sit there, DO something".
OUR champions are outstanding in their fields.
Well...yes...there they all are...
Out standing in their fields.
The Dream Team? The Yard Yetis. The top qualifiers.
Brimming with confidence and dripping with sweat. How do they achieve
such notoriety? With the sweat on their brows. With the dirt under their
fingernails. With back breaking labor from before the sun rises and
well after the sun sets. Practicing their routines on the apparatus and
arm wrestling with Mother Nature. Strong. Proud. Ruthless and Restless
Warrior Women. Athletes of the Acreage.
Yard Yetis Extraordinaire.
The Schedule of Upcoming Events:
A Synchronized Activity Of Some Sort...TBA
Tractor and Weed Pulling
Fence Post Sitting
Aquatics at the Aquatic Center just north of town a
mile off the blacktop turn left at the sign for the Bountiful Buffet
and Resort.
Can You Hit The Side Of A Barn Basketball
Swine Showmanship
Garden Drainage and Pest Management
Garden Gnome Volleyball
...and the Olympic favorite...only for Senior Yetis...
The Grow A Beard Contest
Under strict management rules, our Olympics will be
tape delayed, and all the scores will be posted on the Internet BEFORE
you actually witness the events. That is, we have to wait for Pepper to
sober up.
We hope that you all will come back next week once
we have time to tabulate all the scores, all the participants have been
released from the hospital, and traffic on Main Street has returned to
normal.
I, your favorite Yard Yeti, will be on hand with my
faithful and slightly sick sidekick, Pepper. I warn him again and again
about riding the TIlt-A-Whirl on a stomach full of corn
dogs...but...noooooo
Spoiler Alert:
I, myself, will be competing in the 400 meter
freestyle. If you could see me waving through your radio, I am sitting
here in my swim goggles and swim cap, practicing my strokes. My nickname
is " The Minnow". That's all I am going to tell you, just to wet your
whistle! (Pepper just perked up as he is ready to wet his whistle.
Naughty birdie. Wait until you see him in his neon Speedo and matching
swim fins.)
And now for our special guest of the week and fellow Yard Yeti,
Fifi Forget-Me-Not.
A high FIVE for FIFI!
Better make that a high ONE as she forgot the other FOUR.
Fifi is wearing a string around her little finger
and her wrist and her ankle. The first to Remember, the second as a
Reminder to Remember and the third as a decorative ankle bracelet with
her name and address on it for the day she is so lost in her thoughts
she can't find her way home. Forgetting, they say, is a sure sign of an
aging addled brain, where pieces of personal history hide in a locked
cabinet in the middle of a maze.
Forgive and forget.
Forget and forgive.
Or as Fifi would say...just forget it. Fifi knows
about missteps and misspeaks that she would like to blot out forever.
Well, get out your shovel. Find a nice shady spot. Dig a hole. Drop in the error of your ways. Smooth things over with the toe of your boot. Turn your back. Walk away.
And just like the line from the movie "Goodfellas"...foggeddaboudit.
Follow Fifi's advice...and mine...keep your name
and address securely tied to your ankle and you will always find your
way Home. Even through a yard with so many holes it looks like a bad
case of moles.
Home. Here behind the microphone. A tired BROAD at the end of another BROADcast day.
Ready to lean in to whisper my trademarked signature sign off...
"You're secrets are safe with me,
except for the ones I posted on the Internet. "
You can find me on your dial at Station GVWM (GardenVarietyWisdomMedia Inc.)
... with the Yellow Wellies Logo...
...and the Threepots on the windowsill...
In the meantime, flex your muscles and then just like me,
schedule an appointment with an orthopedic surgeon.
For all of you new to the show...I have archived the shows for you here...so you can "catch up".
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