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Saturday, June 4, 2016

Not A Whit Of A Wit

At my wit’s end. Not a whit of a wit left.

Call Aunt Blabby. Write Dear Abby.

Where is Emily Post when you need her?



I am suffering from TVBD...

Texting Very Badly Disorder

I need a Texting For Dumb-ees Book, except I find the titles of those books, personally insulting. Duh! I already know I am a know-nothing-at-all, my children remind me of that every time I text. I don’t need a book to reinforce the concept.

I need advice. Solid, heavily researched, statistically supported, data rich advice.

A trustworthy GPS to help me navigate the Stimulus/Response sequence of communication,

 that is critical for successful and meaningful...


I was foolish enough to assume that Texting paralleled the arc of a typical phone conversation
minus the tone of voice.

I pick up the phone. Ring. Ring. Ring.
The phone is answered. Hello?
I reply, instantly, Hello !!
Busy? No.
Time to talk. Sure.
Busy. Yes.
Call back later.
Sure that would be great.
Love you Bye.
Love you too. Bye.


How sadly tragically far of field I have been led.

Texting is much more similar to the ancient art of party line conversations. Sneakily devious over your shoulder semi-private interwoven threads of passive aggressive thumbprints of ABC, 123, Emoji laced, Video Paste, Photo Face, sentences completely devoid of voice, tone or demeanor.

Texting Is Tough Terrain, and I am here Naked and Afraid lost in the Island jungle without a fire starter, and no machete to cut through the reeds.
There are snakes in the weeds.
But I am prepared.

I have my laptop.

Not only Dear Abby, Aunt Blabby, but page after page of indisputable rules and regulations regarding the etiquette of the TEXT.

At first glance,
the advice is soothing, comforting,
 and Kind.
Always Answer. Always Respond.
(insert :) here)

Sign Off to signal the end of the conversation.
(Bye,Nite,So Long)

And then, things turn a bit nasty,
and ever so slightly passive aggressive.

Keep texts short and sweet,
 BUT do not use abbreviations or slang!


Never ever ever Text LOL !! 
(sorry again)

Texting when you are with others,
 is very very RUDE!


DO NOT CALL in response to a Text.

Busy people,
busy busy people are busy texting other people,
and have NO time to talk to you on the PHONE.

The next rule makes me sad.
If you text TWO times and get no response,
The person you are texting DOES NOT LIKE YOU!!


And finally, the Texting Power Trip Rules:

Not texting back gives you POWER over others!
Match YOUR response time to theirs!!
If they take two weeks to respond, then I get to take two weeks to answer too!!
Wait. I thought if no answer,
put on the DO NOT CALL list.
Is there a DO NOT ANSWER list?
But the one I appreciate, 
from a purely academic point of view, is
 the Do Not Hit Send Until you check to see if Auto Correct has transformed your message into gibberish or embarrassing verbage.

Phew. Okay.

So, Textiquette.

Got it.

A B.S. degree in Text Manners.

Now I will turn my attention to how to read a text without becoming emotionally involved.

For without the added touch of the sound of your voice, I tend to read in more or less than I probably should, and explode in a series of Emoticons that invariably include a gazelle, a ladder,
or the outline of a nose, simply because I get thumb tied when confused.

Oh, and one more thing...

Never Ever Ever Answer A Text With One Word!!

My rule:

Always Always Always Text these THREE !!
(Not Sorry)

If no response, please hang up and try again.
Some rules are better when broken.

Whatever You Do...
Remember Dad...
from Me to You...
A Happy Father's Day Rewind

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