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Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Separation Anxiety Disorderliness


Babies live in their own reality. What they see is what is Here. What they no longer see is Gone. 

 Appear and Disappear. 

Simple. Concrete. 

 And, oh so very frightening. 

Momma is holding me. Settling me down in my crib. I see her. I feel her. I smell her unique scent and I am safe. Oh no, then Momma blows me a kiss, turns out the light and disappears. 

Gone. She is gone. 

 I am too small to witness her shadow in the kitchen, and too far away to hear her humming as she scrubs the dinner dishes in the sink. 

I am alone. 

I will never see her again, so I open my mouth and fear comes screaming out. A hand on my back, her face in the moonlight. Oh, I think, there she is. Here. For now.

Don’t disappear again, I whimper.

Later we play. She covers my dollie with my blanket, and sing-songs, “Where is Ella?” 

 I look at her, my eyes wide and shriek what I cannot say...

She is gone. I cry. Gone. Gone. Gone. 

Mama lifts the blanket and there sits Ella. 

Oh, I think to myself. Blanket On. Ella gone. 

 Blanket off. 

 Ella returns. 

Where has she been? Does she know I lost her in the darkness? Does she know I am lost without her?

Wait. Just because I cannot always see Ella, doesn’t mean she has disappeared. Perhaps, she is simply in a different place. She’ll be there. She will still be under the blanket, or behind the door. Or in my toy closet. 

Peek-A-Boo

 We play over and over again. Momma hides her face behind her hands. Now you see me, now you don’t. But I am here, she is teaching me. I am here. If I go, I will be back. 

When I am older, I will learn the name for this game. 

Trust. 

Trust in things you cannot see, but are always there when you need them. 

Trust makes life less scary, and helps you grow. 

However, when we grow older, and a loved one disappears, what do we do then?

Cry.

Deny.

Shriek. 

Yell.

 Pound.

And finally...

Accept. 

For what we cannot see, what we will never see again, will return, I promise. In a memory or a photo. 

And once again the fear and the anxiety will abate, as Trust takes over and wills us to live...

With or without...our loved ones never ever leave us. The lessons we learn in childhood, are often our best friends. For there we learn, oh so quickly, that to hold onto what we see, what we can touch, is not the reality that sustains us. 

The very presence of loved ones, is never lost to time immortal, as we have the power to sustain their memories deep within our trust, and to find them whenever we need a safe place to land.


I have missed all of you and have been away far too long. I promise that I will return much more often and with much more to say. This world is beginning to scare me a bit, and I think that we should all grab each other's hand and find shelter in the comfort of each other's kindness and good humor. Let us do that. Let us find a smile each and every day to sustain the hope that tomorrow will be a better day. You are the sights and sounds I may not see or hear, but believe most strongly, are with me, each and every day.


"Forever"

if I never see you again
if time runs short
if life runs out
if i have one minute left
if i have one last chance
i will
hold you
touch you
call you
tell you
write you
whisper
breathe
in and out
the following words:
you 
only you
loved me
as i
only i
loved you
so well
and will
even if i never see you again©






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